Comfortability and Who We Allow to See the Real Us

I love my family. I think most people would agree that on some level they love at least a member of their family. I don't believe we are obliged to love anyone despite what a majority of parents say about showing gratitude towards what they have given their children. Well actually, that statement is actually not related to the former one. There is a large difference between unconditional love and the ability to be grateful for what you have. Just because our parents are our parents does not mean we have to have a deep sense of love towards them despite the actions they can take that can be intentionally harming their children. Despite this, in the case of a "good" parent, I think any reasonable child who can at least detect a reason of why they should thank their parents will do so.

Anyways, the topic is not about what our parents do for us despite that being a large amount of things. By comfortability I wanted to touch across a topic of which is hard to definitively explain. My idea of being comfortable with sharing anything with someone is a bit tainted, as there is too much of someone's life, such as my own, in order for someone to completely understand them. Whenever I trace back the most important elements of myself which I usually come across when I tell my "life story" is my childhood. The in-between years of 7-13 of my life have been lost in my memories, meaning the things that have happened to me as a child and teenager are really the only things I can recall.

Whoever I do decide to share the deeper details of my life usually varies. I think it's the same but also different for everyone. One of my friends had let me know a story of them sharing their life story to an employee at a jewelry store. This was due to the fact that talking about more serious topics with strangers means you are generally going to be free from judgement that can permanently change someone's perspective of you.

I've always thought of myself as someone who finds it very hard to open up partly due to my childhood of having to retain all emotion and not share with my family. This continues to effect me even around people like my brother who is one of the only people I can be myself around but I still find talking about anything serious going on in my life with him extremely difficult. Despite this, I have found myself opening up to people all the time even when I barely know them. Sometimes when I find myself completely vulnerable and emotional, largely due to events going on in my life, I turn to the friend which I am talking to the most at the time. Some of my closest friends have yet to hear my serious opinions on life and the story of my life but certain people which I had met then stopped talking to weeks later are the people who I have found myself sharing the most with. I think its a matter of a sweet spot of finding the right person who cares at all and who doesn't know you well enough in order for it to matter getting emotional in front of them. Of course, this is only the case for myself as I said earlier. I find the concept of having a few or one extremely close friend which you share everything with much more logical as most people turn to those who they are most comfortable around in order to share. I have never really had a best friend who I have built a stable relationship with over time as I usually shift around friend groups and most friends who I have found already have closer friends which they would much rather hang out with as, like I said, people prefer people and things that they are more accustomed and used to.

The comfort which one is given when speaking without permanent judgement is usually the kind I seek. It's not much of a seek as much as it is something that happens much more naturally for me. I recall sitting on the grass with one of my classes not too long ago and talking to my friend Dmitri. We had even agreed that we aren't even close enough friends that either of us would go to eachother's birthday prior to a conversation about the environment which I had grown up around. It was essentially me talking about how much stress I am constantly under from school and from family and really the only response I was given was "damn" and that I was strong for going through all of it. Although not much, it was more than any advice from my close friends could do, as I would then start to fear about what they think of me.

Fearing what others think about you is something that sounds very high-school-teenager-like however I think everyone experiences it and fears it in some manner. I know several people who have told me they rarely ever care what others think however whenever I leave slightly rude comments (as I do) to them, they begin overthinking. There's absolutely nothing wrong with becoming worried about the opinion's of others concerning yourself, however only to a certain extent does it become okay.

Society and especially media such as movies meant to teach a lesson (such as coming of age movies) generally shame changing yourself to increase your likeability to others. However, the context which this change is put in matters very significantly. Seeing good in others and wanting that in yourself may influence someone to become a better person or at least pretend to be better around others which can lead to genuine improvement. I think when it's obviously wrong is when someone's real self is a better person then a persona which is toxic and unkind.

I think it's not necessarily a bad thing to not feel completely comfortable sharing everything with a certain person or group. Like everything, the context is extremely important so it really just depends whether keeping something to yourself or telling someone you feel comfortable around is the better option. I think this is practically the entire idea of therapy. I've only had one session of therapy and it felt like that exact sweet spot of being able to tell someone anything you'd like since your lives have no real connection however the worst part is realizing it is their job to help you and try to give advice, so there is still a fragment of judgement. To be fair that judgement is usually helpful but at times really all someone needs is someone to listen, not help.

There are certain people in my life allocated to each thing which I am interested in. I usually only ever have a single friend which I am comfortable with telling the serious things currently going on in my life, and then the fun friends.

I think parents can be put in this same context but only stereotypically. Usually one parent is strict and the other is a bit more loose or just very fun all the time (as in my case), but even in this case I find it hard to talk to either. Talking seriously about anything to my father feels strange as he always relates it to the bible or religion and also becoming used to being fun around the fun parent means repressing genuine feelings in return. In the case of a strict parent, there are certain aspects of your life which they will always find a way to criticize.

Finding the right person to talk to between family, friends, therapists and strangers is really a matter of chance. With parents, we can't really choose who will raise us and kind of have to put whoever we are given. With friends, although we have more choice in who we surround ourselves with, environments can play a huge factor here. What is standardized in certain areas of the world or towns or even just society and teenagers in general has really restricted the type of people who can be commonly found to count on. I think therapy and strangers are the funniest options largely because I think a lot of my friends could use therapy not because they have problems but simply because I don't care much for other people's problems. At a certain extent I will of course if its serious enough but a majority of personal anecdotes which are shared with me bore me. Talking to strangers is usually fun. I recently found out the same aspect of caring much less about the opinions of people you know for a short amount of time goes the same with actions. I recently visited Oxford for a business course and found myself being more extroverted than ever meeting new people everyday and putting myself out there more than I would have ever been comfortable doing at my own school especially at events. I found myself thinking "why can't I be like this all the time" but then again I think it's also good to at least consider what your reputation will be because first impressions matter a whole lot. I also think its even more important to not care about what others think when you find it difficult to not be yourself. Just as long as your real self isn't annoying. In that case maybe hide that.